An Iranian-American academic, author, HBO producer, and now television host Reza Aslan has become a sought-after speaker on Muslim life in America. His celebrity profile packed the house at the University of Pennsylvania recently for the presentation “Fear Inc.: Confronting Islamophobia in America.” But it was a different kind of fear that Reza was to confront that evening – the fear of being a woman trapped inside of a man’s body. The fear of keeping it all a secret and the fear of that secret getting out.
Reza, long suspected of secretly undergoing hormone treatments, confirmed finally the rumors. “There is a bigger phobia we need to confront in America than the made up lie of Islamophobia” said Aslan. “It’s time we face the fear…” Reza was visibly choked up as a deafening silence swept over the audience. But he continued, courageously saying,
“It’s time we face the fear, everyone of us, of being who we truly are. And I am proud to say, I am not a Muslim, I am not a man. I am an Infidel. I am a woman! And it feels fucking great!”
With tears streaming down his face, Reza smiled boldly, proudly to the roaring applause of a Liberal and accepting audience – an audience that stood up and gave a long deserved and long standing ovation for a woman, no longer trapped in the body of a man who must lie – lie for his religion – lie about Islamophobia – or lie about secretly wearing dresses and, beginning gender reassignment surgery.
“I was always living a lie about who I am” he said. “My soul is female. Islam will never accept me for me. Hell, Islam doesn’t really accept anyone. It deals with absolute truth. But your truth is not my truth. Who is to say what truth is? I am not a Muslim. And I’m okay with that.”
Reza Aslan was once hailed as the most prolific voice in America for standing up for the rights of Muslims, to follow their own law, instead of the laws of the land. Now he has become a symbol for young Muslim men everywhere, to put down their Quran, take off the suicide vest and put on an Ivanka Trump Floral Print Summer dress (available at Macy’s).
During the 90 minute conference and follow-up session, Reza touched on the need for Muslim leaders to stop deceiving the American public about Islam. “It is not a religion of peace” he said. “When I was a boy, growing up in Iran, if the religious police had caught me when I was trying on my mother’s dresses, I would have been publicly hanged. I’m done making up excuses for such a brutal and savage religion“.
He went on to say, “And as long as we are telling the truth here, Islam isn’t even a religion at all. Look, I’m a professor of Religious Studies and I can tell you this. Islam is a totalitarian political ideology and a brutal legal system, called Sharia, with maybe some religious overtones. But let’s not kid ourselves. Islam is violent.”
During the question and answer period Reza was asked if he knew of any other professional liars for Islam who had secrets of their own. “Yes, as a matter of fact” said Aslan, “My former life partner, who used to be a spokesperson for CAIR, that’s the Council on American Islamic Relations. He’s gone off to Egypt to join the Muslim Brotherhood. More like sisterhood if you want to know a real juicy secret.”
When pressed to name names Reza said, “Ahmed Rehab. I know that he enjoyed dressing up in women’s clothes and lipstick. We had talked about transitioning together, but now he’s gone, unfortunately. I think he’s gone back to building bombs – not that we ever built bombs because, why would you even think we did that? We didn’t do that. I think it’s funny that anyone would think we would do that.”
During his talk Aslan detailed his internal struggles with being transgender, which he said he has wrestled with since childhood. Aslan referred to himself using male pronouns though he also referred to himself as Reza, in the past tense and “her” in the future tense.
“I look at it this way – Reza is always telling a lie.” He said. “He’s lived a lie his whole life. And he cannot do it any longer”. Over the past several years, of appearing on MSNBC, Fox News, CNN and others, Reza Aslan said he would often put on a dress in his hotel, in order to get up the courage before being taken to the studio to lie about Islam. Then he would put on the costume of a man, a false man, who would go on television to give a false narrative about Islam being misunderstood as violent.
“The truth is I was misunderstood. Islam is actually quite violent and I am not a real man.” says Aslan.
“In every city I traveled to, I would buy a dress that I would wear in private and then sadly have to throw it away, before getting on a plane for my next destination. I mean, let’s face it. I was a Muslim. An official might could go through my baggage at the airport. There are people we can pay off to smuggle a weapon on board, but none of my Muslim brothers were going to be very understanding about cross dressing, dear. I mean, ya know?”
When asked about his future plans, Reza Aslan says that he has not yet picked out a female name, once he has completed his gender reassignment surgery. “Caitlyn is already taken” he joked. “That bitch!” he said, in a flamboyant tone.
Reza added, “I was thinking ‘Aisha’ after the girl Muhammad married when she was 6 and had sex with when she was 9 years old – this according to Hadith Bukhari. The ‘Prophet’ was a rapist and a pedophile, but I still like the name of his child wife, Aisha. It just feels right”.
Officers from the Department of Homeland Security met with Reza after the talk, as they had some questions about his statements regarding weapons and airplanes. A spokesman for the ACLU has filed charges against the DHS for harassment, saying the questioning was part of “Trump’s war on women”.
When a member for the ISS (Infidels for the Spread of Satire) asked if Reza had any parting words, he had this to say:
“None of this is real people. I mean, the parts about me lying for Islam are totally real, but the rest of it comes from the sick mind of that raging Islamophobe, Eric Allen Bell“.
The ISS contributed to this report.